Signs that My Blackberry’s Depressed According to its’ Text Message Spell-check Suggestions

30 Mar

Here’s a rejected list I wrote for McSweeney’s:

Signs that My Blackberry’s Depressed According to its’ Text Message Spell-check Suggestions

Hahaha….Hate?
Congrats….Congratulations on being fired from the only company that would hire you?
LOL….Laughing out of Loneliness?
Hope to c u soon….Hope is a dangerous thing? 
Yaayyyyy….Naayyyyy?
TTYL….What if there is no later?
Totally J/K….Totally thinking about jumping/killing?
!…Really exclamation mark? How trite. Life is nothing more than a series of meaningless events mixed-in with humanity’s craven appetite for self-destruction. The next time you want to use an exclamation mark, I want you to think about the destruction in Japan, the wars in the Middle East, terrorism, global warming, the oil crisis, worldwide poverty, international sex trafficking and the hijacking of the global economy by a very few insidious monied interests. You happy now? You still feel like using the “!” in Happy Birthday Grandma!?

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