Monologue Jokes!

22 Sep

So over the last couple of weeks I have submitting monologue jokes to a new comedy show that my great friend, and Ride godfather, Jack Helmuth is working on, called The B.S. of A. Im really excited to be a part of the project and here is a couple of my jokes from the last couple of submissions:

At 12:01 this morning, the military’s “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” ban was officially dropped from the law books. Finally, military officials can now ridicule gay soldiers to their face.

HIV researchers who had previously been stumped by a protein that allows the virus to multiply passed their findings on to online gamers, who deciphered the structure of the enzyme in a few days.Now if only they could figure out the enzyme which makes them still live with their parents.

HIV researchers who had previously been stumped by a protein that allows the virus to multiply passed their findings on to online gamers, who deciphered the structure of the enzyme in a few days. If this works, scientists will have a difficult time explaining how the cure for HIV was discovered while masturbating and playing Sims 2.  

A new study revealed that watching 9 minutes of the Nickelodeon cartoon “Spongebob Squarepants” causes learning and attention problems in four-year-olds.  Answering this criticism, Nickelodeon has decided to create a new cartoon called, “Spongebob Ritalinpants.”

The world’s largest sperm bank, Cryos International, is turning away red headed donors because demand isn’t high enough for red-headed children. A spokesman for red heads at the center said, “Great, now what are we going to do with all this semen?”

Two prominent Democratic bundlers hosted a $38,500/plate “small dinner” for President Obama last night. This fundraising event was specifically geared toward rich midgets.

Playboy magazine will be releasing its October issue with a retro cover that features Laura Benanti, star of the upcoming NBC show “The Playboy Club,” and plans to sell the issue for sixty cents, a price that reflects the printing costs of the magazine when it premiered in 1960.  The issue is taking the 1960’s theme very seriously by not letting women have opinions.

Apple has removed an app titled “Jew or Not Jew” from their online store in France because it violates the country’s laws about compiling people’s personal information without their consent. Iran has a similar app called, “Better Not Be a Jew,” which they deny having.  

The Supreme Court has halted the controversial execution of a Texas man who was convicted of murder. He would have been the 235th person executed during Governor Rick Perry’s term. The court stopped the execution citing not enough evidence to prove that the man is retarded.

Bob Turner, the NY house representative who replaced Anthony Weiner last week, commented quote, “I do have a twitter account, but I will use it fully clothed.” Turner said this completely naked.  

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One Response to “Monologue Jokes!”

  1. jono February 25, 2012 at 3:14 pm #

    Hello Hi Cool Page! Im Jono From england 🙂

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