More Jokes…

7 Feb

Hey People!!

Here are some more monologue jokes that I wrote for BS of A over the last couple of months!

Crosby & Nash, Yoko Ono, Jackson Browne, and more plan to provide music for an upcoming compilation called “Occupy This Album,” the proceeds for which will directly benefit the Occupy Wall Street movement. Experts predict the album to be a major hit with music fans who are dead.

GOP Primary Candidate Rick Santorum was pelted with glitter, or “glitter-bombed,” by gay-rights activists at a campaign event in Charleston, South Carolina. This comes on the heels of last week’s “Glee-bombing,” where Santorum was held down by gay-rights activists and forced to sing show tunes.

New studies indicate that psilocybin, the hallucinogenic ingredient in “magic mushrooms,” may be an effective tool for fighting chronic depression. The discovery was made after one subject on “magic mushrooms” was seen licking his suicide note.

New research finds that sticking raw bacon up your nose is an effective cure for chronic nosebleeds, which prompted several Wall Street bankers to switch to  an all bacon and cocaine diet.

Charlie Sheen told reporters that he is quote “not crazy anymore” and that last year’s manic behavior “was an episode.” And that episode can be seen on CBS’s new sitcom, “Two and Half Drug Addictions.”

In an interview, New Scientist magazine asked astrophysicist Stephen Hawking about the most complex problem he has ever tried to solve.  His answer: “Women.  They are a complete mystery to me.” New Scientist readers were shocked to learn of Hawking’s answer saying, “What’s a woman?”

In an interview, New Scientist magazine asked astrophysicist Stephen Hawking about the most complex problem he has ever tried to solve.  His answer: “Women.  They are a complete mystery to me.” Readers were shocked to learn that Hawking’s answer wasn’t, “How do I get out of this wheelchair?”

A 73 year old Arkansas woman was forced to empty her bank account by an intruder who held her hostage and allegedly taped a bomb to her leg. The woman kept remarkably calm during the robbery saying afterward, “After 40 years of marriage, I’m used to a man taking my money and and putting something unwanted on my leg.”

Police in Madison, Wisconsin arrested a man caught carrying drug paraphernalia and a concealed weapon whose legal name is “Beezow Doo-Doo Zopitty-bop Bop Bop,” which translates to “I definitely sell drugs.”

 

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