I Can’t Believe I Forgot to Mention My Breakup at This Office Holiday Party

18 Dec


Here’s a humor piece I wrote called, “I Can’t Believe I Forgot to Mention My Breakup at This Office Holiday Party.” Check it! 

I Can’t Believe I Forgot to Mention My Breakup at This Office Holiday Party

Wow, I am sincerely sorry and really quite frankly appalled at myself for failing to mention my recent breakup with my now ex-girlfriend Lisa at this office holiday party. Sure, we are surrounded by holiday cheer, having tons of laughs, enjoying some homemade eggnog (great job Karen!!) but somehow I totally forgot to tell people how my once girlfriend Lisa broke up with me after a two-and-a-half year committed and what I perceived to be happy relationship. I mean, I definitely want to soak in the Yule tide atmosphere and enjoy these delicious toffee bars with sprinkles (my personal favorite), but I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up the fact that my at one point, very serious girlfriend Lisa, coldly broke up with me by saying, “You’ve changed.” 

I have explained to Lisa that human beings are always evolving and it would actually be more alarming if I didn’t change at all, and sometimes people severe their identities in a relationship, and while I might have changed, it was only because I loved her and wanted to put my full effort in our partnership, which is really the most unselfish thing you can do when seeing another person, and I may have gone too far by making Lisa wear a pager. And for me not to be bringing all of this up while our COO Barry talks about post-it note etiquette just seems wrong. Absolutely, I’m going to hang some of our old expense reports as ornaments on our office Christmas tree, but then I am also going to share with my co-workers about how my completely ex-girlfriend Lisa has hung my emotions on the Christmas tree of death. After all, this is the season of giving. 

I honestly shouldn’t complain, it’s been a great party. Someone brought in the soundtrack from A Charlie Brown Christmas, Stu from the editorial side put up a fake fireplace, and there’s a golden retriever with antler ears on roaming the office. He’s wearing a nametag that says, “Rudolph,” which is funny because Rudolph is also the name of Lisa’s improv teacher/yoga instructor who she is now dating. I mentioned to Betsy in accounting that anyone or anything with the name Rudolph deserves to be in a car crash. I then asked her if she had a favorite Christmas carol, oh course it’s “Jingle Bells!” It’s really the classic holiday scene, and the discussions have been as lively as ever: 

Bill in Admin: “Man, I cannot believe the Steelers last night, I mean I’d figure they’d be better with Roethlisberger back.”

Me: “I know, but there is no God, so you shouldn’t be surprised by anything.”

Beth in Sales: “Oh boy, who brought in these cookies? My jeans are going to feel this for sure, HAHA!”

Me: “I used to feel things…not anymore.” 

You know, just some of your typical holiday office speak, a lot of “Merry Christmas!” “Happy New Year!”  “What’s the difference between a nightmare and a night terror?”  “Are you going home for the holidays?” “Is it wrong to refer to your relationship status as Darfur-lite?” “What are you getting your kids?” “Have the terrorists won?”

Oh great! It’s time for the office white elephant gift exchange. I am really proud of my gift this year, whoever gets it is really going to luck out. 

“Yeah, good choice Brian!! Open it, yep, yep that’s from me…What do you mean you can’t use it for anything? Sure you can!

Brian reads the paper, “To Lisa, 25 Reasons Why I Haven’t Changed, Love Always, Kevin.”  

“Merry Christmas Brian! Ok let’s see what do we have here? Cheryl is this from you? Ohhhh, an envelope, no no, I can handle it. I’m sure its fine, Let’s see, it’s a gift certificate to a couples cupcake making class. Oh, and it comes with these sprinkles. No, thanks. Thank you. Thanks, I’ll use this never. Thank you.”

Hold on I’m getting a call from an unknown number, “Hello? Lisa? L.L. Beanie Bear, is that you?” …No, no I did not page you. I must have dialed the wrong number. What? No, I do not want any cocaine. Yep, yeah, Happy Holidays to you.” 


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